The Perfect Wife!

The Perfect Wife!



submitted by Christopher Sauer

A troll with overly long fingers and toes
Enchanted crystal forest
Troll in love with a fairy princess
Cursed, mystical, glowing, purple crystal talisman

screen shot from World of Warcraft Game!

I saw the princess for the first time outside my woods.  She was tall and round, unlike many that come through the swamps.  Usually they are so skinny, they are not worth eating let alone marrying.   No, this one was different.  Her laughter was what drew me.  She cackled like heron in mating season, it was a magnificent sound.



I learned that she lived on the other side of the crystal forest.  It is a place I do not like to enter.  It is not that it is scary, but I have rather big feet.  My toes cannot get a grasp on the glass like floor and so I slip and slide into things.  The last time I was there, an entire bush exploded into small slivers of glass. By the time that I got out, my toes were full of slivers.  Why, it took me a week to pull them all out.  It is hard to get your toe to your mouth I will have you know.

So there were several problems with the fact that I soon found myself quite in love with this unusual princess.  The first was that she was a fairy.  Fairies are not especially fond of trolls.  I mean, it is understandable.  I myself have eaten a few fairies in my time.  If I can win her favor, I will resolve never to eat another fairy.

The second issue is that they are rather small.  I have a plan for this however.  I have in my trove box a little purple talisman.  I could set it to a string as a gift.  It curses the wearer with unusually large size.  This will be to my benefit for once she puts it on, well then she will be quite appropriately sized to make a fine troll wife.

The third problem is, I not only have to give it to her personally, but she has to put it on.  As I think back to problem number one, this seems a rather formidable problem.  Taking my frustration out on my woodpile has resulted in mostly kindling.  I will have to pull down a few trees later for actual logs.

The last problem is that I do not speak fairy, and I am fairly sure she will not speak troll. I do know some common tongue words, so maybe I can make my point to her family.  I mean, she is far to beautiful to live with the ugly, sparkly fairy folk.

Resolved, I go and fetch the talisman.  I have to be very careful not to touch it.  The last thing I need is to be even larger.  My feet are already a problem.  I cannot tell you how many times I have broken one of these long toes.  I am forever tripping over them.

One has to work hard as a troll.   I must appropriately scare travelers on the road.  They leave the most wonderful things behind for me as gifts.  Then, I make sure the beaver has what he needs so the water stays cooped up. That is what makes the swamp, so he and I have an arrangement.  Then there is keeping the proper animals in the swamp and eating the ones that don't belong.  Yes, it is a hard life. I am always quite busy.  It will be nice to share these duties with a wife.

It is not far to the crystal forest.  It lies just a couple miles beyond the swamp.  The fairy road is far too small for me, so I am going to have to swing a little farther south to the human road.  If I am lucky, I will be able to stick to this road most of the way.  Then will come the hard part of getting to the fairy castle without causing the entire crystal forest to fall down.  They are rather fond of that forest.

I am in luck when I reach the human road.  There is no one about today.  The humans are smart. They laid dirt along the cleared track of glass to give their horses purchase through the forest.  With no one about, I can walk the road without concern.  I only have to watch my head now and then for a lower branch.

It takes about two hours till I reach the point where I am most worried about.  The human road turns to the North.  I need to continue to the east.  I very carefully move off the road.  The small animal path is slick and the delicate plants make music as I brush through them.  It really is a beautiful place to be in.  The wind makes a melody among the crystal leaves.  The light glows through the crystal fronds casting a purple glow.  Every once in a while the light hits just right and then a garden rainbow shines about you.

I know people think trolls do not appreciate beauty.  We really do.  It is just that for the most part, we define beauty in a different way.  I find it beautiful when a human is real enough to fart when he needs to.  I find it quit irritating when they make some natural noise then look about with embarrassment.  For example, ladies fart and then giggle as if something funny has occurred and make apologies.  No, give me someone real who can fart, belch and guffaw. That is beautiful.

This is why I want the fairy princess for my wife. She did not sparkle like some fragile part of the crystal forest.  She did not make small musical noises. She was real.  I could tell the others did not approve of her, she needs to live where she can fully be who she is.  Well, with a slight increase in size, of course, as I would not wish to hurt her and I do want children.

It is a step by step process.  Eye the bushes about me for the largest opening, then carefully step forward so as not slip.  I feel like I am holding my breath with every step.  I force myself to breath now and then for passing out would create quite the catastrophe.  After three long, tense hours, I finally see the light on the edge of the forest.  The fairy castle will be on a knoll nearby.

As I draw closer, I can feel my excitement and a bit of fear begin to build.  I know that I am not likely to be well received, but I have hopes she will over look my large toes and accept me as a suitor.  Most fairy weapons cannot cause me a great deal of damage, but they are rather painful.  It is their magic that I have to worry about.   They have spells that could quite be the end of me.  It is a terrible risk I am taking.  But love, love is worth a few risk if I may say so.

As I see the fairy mound through the crystal trees, I can hardly contain my relief.  I should have contained it.  Excited, I move forward and I do not see a crystal root crossing the path.  My toe catches on it and down I go.  I wince as a tree slowly topples into the next, the sound of breaking glass fills the air.  It didn't stop there.  That tree, landed against another tree, which landed against another tree.  One by one, a line of trees began to topple from where I lay to the north of me.

By the time I crawled out of the forest and approached the mound, I swear every fairy was out.  It was like watching bees swarm when their hive is disturbed.   I move forward cautiously.  I put my hands far out to my sides so they know I mean no harm.   I am soon surrounded with bow carrying fairies who look to be in a right temper

"I .... come.... see. . .. Princess."  I am careful and slow to pronounce each word.  They seem wrong to my ears, but it is the best that I can do.

"The Princess does not see trolls." One of the sparkly little folk said in quite a haughty tone.

"I think the Princess can decide that for herself."  She fluttered forward and landed before me.  This close, she barely came to my knees.  "What do you want, troll?"

Though her words are a bit harsh, I do not blame her. I did just break the forest closest to her mound.
"I .... marry.... Princess."

Well, this is going better than I thought.  She didn't laugh.  She did look quite surprised, but she did not laugh.  Before she can answer, I thrust out the talisman that is carefully wrapped so I don't touch it.  "I... bring.. gift."

All the little fairies drew back their bows when I moved to hand it over. I did not care.  Yes, they would hurt, but far less then if the Princess laughed or refused my gift.  As I waited, I scatched my butt. I think I have a sliver in it.

The Princess reached forward and took it carefully.  "You are rather large to be my husband, do you not think?"  The rest of the fairies made a horrified sound.

Up close, she was even pretty then I had imagined.  She had a large bump on her nose, that set off her big brown eyes.  Her hair was in seven different tails that sprouted from her head like swamp onions.  I had to answer careful or she would be lost to me forever.

"Gift... fix.  You.... be.... Troll wife."  I looked at her as hopefully as I could.  It must not of worked because a few of the other fairies took a step back.

"Andelaine, you will not except that gift."  A man strode out of the crowd of armed fairies to stand behind the Princess.  "A troll is not a proper husband for a fairy princess."

"You said yourself, father, cursed as I am that I will be unlikely to find love as a fairy.  You want me to allow you to cast spells to change me."  She looked back from the gift I was still holding out to her father.

"If he has some gift to make you larger, is that not the same. Think child. Trolls are obnoxious, they eat fairies and .. well they are just not proper mates for fairies."

I am rather offended.  I am never obnoxious.  I will have to find out what that means later, but I am fairly sure I am not.  "I... think... Ande.. .. beautiful." I sure hope that came out right.  "I ... not.. .. eat... fairies.... I ... promise."  I have to think of each word.

The Princess smiled and reached up and carefully took the wrapped talisman from my hand.  "See that, he promises not to eat fairies. Why father, think of all the lives I would be saving."

She smiled up at me and I thought I would melt into a pile of rocks right there.  By the way, trolls do not turn into stone at daylight.  We just don't like it much, hurts our eyes.  I just gave her a big grin. I didn't know what else to say at the moment.

"Andelaine, if you put on this gift of his, and you grow bigger, you will be forever banned from my kingdom," threatened the King.

I have decided my future father-in-law is rather a slime toad.  I am relieved that when we are married, we will not live at the fairy mound.  He is making this so much easier.  I watch the package in the princess' hand as she considers the situation.

"I hardly belong now," she pointed out.

This is looking good, I thought.  I might really have a chance at this.  I shift from foot to foot with excitement.  I would be much happier if that sliver in my butt didn't itch.  I scratch it again and wait.

Slowly the princess unwraps my gift.  The purple talisman is shaped like a small dragon.  Its flaming breath spreads out in a delicate circle.  I had found a gold chain someone had left for me along the road and had wrapped it up with it. I couldn't put it on it because I did not dare touch it.

She fingered the dragon with a genuine smile.  As she did, it sparkled a bit and she began to grow.  She threaded the chain and put it around her neck and then with a flash, she began to grow faster.  Everyone else may have thought it a curse, but to me, it was the greatest gift I had ever found.  Her spot on her nose grew with her.  Her hair was truly the size of swamp onions now.  She was perfect except for those wings.  Fortunately, they seemed to fold up and looked like a human cloak at the moment.   When she was done enlarging, she came up to my shoulders.   Just perfect for a troll wife.

"You .... be .. wife?"  I asked hopefully.

"Yes, I will be your wife," she said.

The fairy king made an outraged sound and turned; he walked swiftly away.  One by one, the fairies followed him.  It was as he had promised, they were disowning her it would seem.  Personally, I was okay with this.

I took her hand and carefully made my way back to the edge of the crystal forest, the way I had come. The confirmation that she was the perfect wife for me was not her new size.  It was not her heron laugh, nor her wonderful hair.   It was the fact that one the way to my swamp, she kicked over every crystal tree along our way.